River's Ramblings: Episode 7 Title: Surviving Retrogrades (with Sass, Spells, and Sparkles)

Welcome, witches and weirdos, to Episode 7 of River's Ramblings—where I'm still solo for now because Wren is off doing big, mysterious things (possibly time-traveling or conjuring up something brilliant, knowing her).

Today we’re diving headfirst into the swirling cosmic madness that is... retrogrades.

But first! A little follow-up from last week: the strawberry conundrum! Greg got back to me and explained that blackberries are a great comparison. Each little round bump on a blackberry or raspberry is a fruit with a seed inside—and strawberries work the same way. So those little "seeds" on the outside? Technically fruits themselves. The botanical world is full of weird little surprises.

🍸 Cocktail of the Episode: Bewitching Bubbles

Because if you're going to talk about planets rewinding and messing with your life, you might as well sip something sparkling while you do it:

• 1.5 oz Vodka

• 0.5 oz Crème de Cassis (deep and mysterious—like your soul)

• 0.5 oz Fresh Lemon Juice (for a zesty kick)

• 0.5 oz Simple Syrup (sweetness for your salty demeanor)

• 3 oz Brut Champagne or Sparkling Wine (because bubbles = magick)

• Edible glitter (because duh)

Shake the vodka, cassis, lemon juice, and syrup with ice. Strain into a chilled witchy glass. Top with bubbly. Garnish with a strawberry or blackberry.

✨ What Is a Retrograde, Anyway?

A retrograde, in astrology, is when a planet appears to move backward in the sky from Earth’s perspective. It’s an optical illusion caused by different orbital speeds.

Think of it like: You’re passing a slower car on the highway and it looks like that car is moving backward. That’s retrograde in action.

Astrologically, we treat this like cosmic chaos mode has been activated.

It's the universe hitting "rewind" with all the glitchy buffering of bad Wi-Fi.

2025 is wild: Every major planet will be in retrograde at some point. Buckle up, witches.

🔮 Retrogrades in 2025

(Just the upcoming ones, because we already survived a few. High-five for that.)

• Mercury: July 18–Aug 11 (Leo) & Nov 9–29 (Sagittarius to Scorpio)

• Jupiter: Nov 11–Mar 20 (Cancer)

• Saturn: Jul 13–Nov 27 (Aries to Pisces)

• Uranus: Sep 6–Feb 3 (Gemini to Taurus)

• Neptune: Jul 4–Dec 10 (Aries to Pisces)

• Pluto: May 4–Oct 13 (Aquarius)

  
  

🌌 What Each Retrograde Feels Like (and How to Witch Your Way Through It)

Mercury Retrograde (aka The Drama Queen)

• Communication? Scrambled.

• Travel? Delayed.

• Technology? Cursed.

Witch Tips:

• Double-check spells, texts, and emails.

• Back up your tech.

• Reflect instead of launching anything new.

• Expect surprise visits from toxic exes and typos that feel personal.

Venus Retrograde (aka Love Gets Weird)

• Relationships get messy. Beauty routines go rogue.

Witch Tips:

• Don’t chop off your hair or propose.

• Revisit your values in love and money.

• Ask: Is this love... or is it just loneliness in a cute outfit?

Mars Retrograde (aka Do Not Engage)

• Energy dips. Tempers flare. Passive-aggression thrives.

Witch Tips:

• Brew tea, don’t start fights.

• Reevaluate your goals and passions.

• Use your fire wisely—burn candles, not bridges.

Jupiter Retrograde (aka Existential Crisis, Anyone?)

• Spiritual growth takes a timeout.

• Luck slows.

Witch Tips:

• Reflect on what success really means to you.

• Practice gratitude magick.

• Reconnect with ancestral wisdom.

Saturn Retrograde (aka The Cosmic Principal’s Office)

• Karma and lessons come back around.

• Boundaries are tested.

Witch Tips:

• Set realistic goals.

• Do boundary magick.

• Fortify your foundations.

Uranus Retrograde (aka Shock Therapy, But Make It Internal)

• Unexpected insights.

• Restlessness.

Witch Tips:

• Cleanse your tech.

• Try a digital detox.

• Do storm magick or wind rituals.

Neptune Retrograde (aka Illusions Shattered)

• Truths emerge. Fantasies get debunked.

Witch Tips:

• Do dreamwork and intuitive rituals.

• Use candle spells for clarity.

• Watch for synchronicities in music and art.

Pluto Retrograde (aka Shadow Work 101)

• Deep transformation. Secrets rise.

Witch Tips:

• Journal your shadows.

• Create a sacred space for self-rebirth.

• Cleanse. Purge. Reclaim your power.

🍃 Magickal Practices for Retrogrades

• Work with crystals: Fluorite, Labradorite, Obsidian

• Herbs: Lavender, Lemongrass, Peppermint

• Altar Additions: Mercury symbols, feathers, candles, keys

• Ritual Focus: Reflection, revisiting old spellwork, closure

🫠 Closing Thoughts: Retrograde Survival With Sass

Retrogrades aren’t curses. They’re cosmic intermissions.

They're here to slow us down, help us notice what we usually ignore, and give us space to grow (with a little chaos tossed in).

Remember, witches:

“Sometimes the planets aren’t conspiring against you—they’re just trying to gently nudge you… repeatedly... until you fall over and learn something.”

So keep your cauldron stirred, your cocktail chilled, and your sense of humor sharp.

Until next time—stay witchy! ✨